The Definitive Guide to Metal was recorded over a two-and-a-half hour period in a Richmond, Virginia, basement during my sophomore year in high school. The concept was inspired by an interview in Modern Drummer with Sean Kinney of Alice in Chains, who discussed a song where the band's members each played instruments that they did not know how to play, while he screamed vocals through a megaphone. I related this story to two of my good friends who were also musicians, and they thought it would be a good idea to record an entire album in this manner.

All of the songs, with the exception of the plaintive "Cracks in the Sidewalk", were recorded in one take. (We forgot to press RECORD the first time.) Several tracks stand out on this album -- the catchy "You Lied to Me" and the indescribable "Faucet" among them -- but without a doubt, the magnum opus "The Cow Song" and its sequel "The Cow Song II: Day At The Market" are masterpieces of stream-of-consciousness garage-rock.

After the initial success (~20 copies) of this album, we re-entered the basement with several more musical friends, hoping to get a richer, more varied form of cacophony. Alas, the two or three songs we recorded had none of the cohesiveness or spontaneity of the debut album.

Any connections between this album and my current interest in early twentieth-century noise composers are purely coincidental.

Listen to Cistern!

Cracks in the Sidewalk
Hit my Mother
You Lied to Me!
Grundsprache (The German Song)
My Throat Hurts
Elvis is a Fascist
Big Modicum
Screaming Viking
The Cow Song (A Magnum Opus)
We Can Play
Spanish Tea
The Cow Song II: Day at the Market
There Once Was...
Faucet

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